It's been over a month since I posted. I know you've missed me. I don't have an excuse for not posting other than I forgot? I'm lazy? I didn't have anything nice to say?
This time of year I always get in a funk. It's my SAD time. It's this time of year that graduates are graduating. New babies are being born. So many things are beginning and ending for so many people. Spring is supposed to be a time of renewal and I get that.
I don't know that I've ever really talked about this with anyone. I might have mentioned in passing the overwhelming sense of...something I feel every year at this time. Loss? Guilt? I'm not sure I can put it into words.
You see, 11 years ago I was pregnant. I was also a senior in high school getting ready to graduate. We weren't sure of the due date. (That's another story for another day. I'll leave it at I was 18 and wasn't paying attention to anything other than getting through high school and living at home.) I went into labor at 1:17 in the morning. I got up to go to the bathroom and my water broke. I woke my mom up, took a shower, and off to the hospital we went. At 10:36, my daughter came into the world. Blue eyed, red haired and left handed (Exactly the way I knew she would be).
That day was also exactly two weeks before my graduation ceremony.
I didn't get to "finish" my senior year. A teacher came to my house to proctor my final exams. My best friend took my year book for everyone to sign. I didn't get to sit in my classes talking about the future with everyone. I was at home, trying to figure out how to take care of a baby. I didn't know what the hell I was doing.
Two days before the graduation ceremony, I went to see my doctor. Not because I was sick. I had talked with my vice principal. I had to have a doctor's note to walk at my graduation. I was determined to walk across that stage. I didn't care that I was two weeks postpartum and had been back in the hospital with mastitis. I was walking across that stage and getting my diploma, dammit!
And I did. My daughter was in the standssleeping watching her momma get her high school diploma.
It's just a weird time of year for me. Yes, I'm happy to celebrate my daughter's birth, but at the same time the "What if?" game gets me.
Excuse me while I drown my sorrows in Diet Coke.
This time of year I always get in a funk. It's my SAD time. It's this time of year that graduates are graduating. New babies are being born. So many things are beginning and ending for so many people. Spring is supposed to be a time of renewal and I get that.
I don't know that I've ever really talked about this with anyone. I might have mentioned in passing the overwhelming sense of...something I feel every year at this time. Loss? Guilt? I'm not sure I can put it into words.
You see, 11 years ago I was pregnant. I was also a senior in high school getting ready to graduate. We weren't sure of the due date. (That's another story for another day. I'll leave it at I was 18 and wasn't paying attention to anything other than getting through high school and living at home.) I went into labor at 1:17 in the morning. I got up to go to the bathroom and my water broke. I woke my mom up, took a shower, and off to the hospital we went. At 10:36, my daughter came into the world. Blue eyed, red haired and left handed (Exactly the way I knew she would be).
That day was also exactly two weeks before my graduation ceremony.
I didn't get to "finish" my senior year. A teacher came to my house to proctor my final exams. My best friend took my year book for everyone to sign. I didn't get to sit in my classes talking about the future with everyone. I was at home, trying to figure out how to take care of a baby. I didn't know what the hell I was doing.
Two days before the graduation ceremony, I went to see my doctor. Not because I was sick. I had talked with my vice principal. I had to have a doctor's note to walk at my graduation. I was determined to walk across that stage. I didn't care that I was two weeks postpartum and had been back in the hospital with mastitis. I was walking across that stage and getting my diploma, dammit!
And I did. My daughter was in the stands
It's just a weird time of year for me. Yes, I'm happy to celebrate my daughter's birth, but at the same time the "What if?" game gets me.
Excuse me while I drown my sorrows in Diet Coke.
